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ANNOUNCER: This program
is rated 14 ,

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and contains scenes of
violence, coarse language,

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and mature subject matter.

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Viewer discretion is advised.

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My name is Jordan.

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I'm a financial analyst

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and a hopeless romantic.

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And I'm here to fall in love.

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So, unfortunately,
I am going home.

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Um, she found out I was
Asian right away.

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Uh, but which is understandable.

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And, um...

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And no worries.

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Uh, we'll see where

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the journey of love
takes me next.

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Um...

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? It's 1:00 a.m.,
we've come this far ?

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Yeah, no worries.

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Hush. Don't wake him.

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He'll be having
his night terrors soon.

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?

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Oh.

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It's almost time.

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?

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You're about to enter a realm.

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A realm of desire, dread,

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fantasy,
dreams and nightmares,

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hopes and horrors.

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Welcome to
"The Terrors."

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What's wrong
with David?

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Oh, he gets like this
around his birthday.

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Yeah, but don't worry.

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We got a little surprise
to cheer him up.

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Oh, yeah?
What's the surprise?

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Okay, so, you know
how much he loves magic

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and Harry Potter?

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Oh, yeah.

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Okay, so we got him
a letter from Hogwarts

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saying that he got in.

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[ Laughs ]
That's so sweet.

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I know.
Yeah. Oh.

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It's coming down the chimney
right now.

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Oh. Okay.
Oh.

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Hon, something just
came down the chimney for you.

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What is it?

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Um, it's a letter
from Hogwarts.

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[ Gasps ] Ooh!
Ooh!

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?

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"Dear Mr. David Santos,"

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we are pleased to inform you
that you have been accepted...

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to Hogwarts School
of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

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Apologies for the delay.

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Your letter was stuck in
an owl's nest for a few decades.

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Term begins 1 September.
Minerva McGonagall."

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Yay!
Whoo!

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Marisa: Happy birthday.
Yay!

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I always knew I was special.

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And you all
thought I was a loser.

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But look at me now.

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I'm a wizard.

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[ Laughter ]

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Yeah, David, you do know
that that's not-

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Shut the fuck up,
Marisa.

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Oh.

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Our whole lives,
you pitied me.

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Mom and dad, too.

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I mean, they love
you more, right?

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Do you deny it?
They love you more.

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And it's just
because you're cuter.

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But now I pity you,

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you Muggle slut.

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Whoa!
Whoa. Sweetie...

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Yeah, sweetie.
Kathleen, my wife,

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who recoils
when I touch her.

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Sorry. Should I
not have told them?

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I bet they know.
They can tell. Right?

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You can tell
I don't have sex.

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Guess what.

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I don't have to pretend
to love you anymore.

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I'm going to Hogwarts.
[ Laughs ]

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It's fake.
It's a joke gift, David.

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What?

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Jesus Christ.

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Dude, you are a
35-year-old

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Filipino man.

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Why would you get
a letter to Hogwarts?

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Because there was a mix-up.

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The letter got stuck in
an owl's nest.

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It said so.
It said so in the letter!

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Look, why don't we just-
Get the fuck away from me!

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Da- Oh, my God.
Oh!

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David!
[ Screams ]

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Slow down.
Hand me the poker.

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Avada Kedavra!

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Did you just try to kill me?

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No.

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I see a broomstick.

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Okay.
I see a br-

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Okay.
Da- David...

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Best to take it
at a run.

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No! No, no, no!
David!

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[ Poker clangs ]

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You're a wizard, David!

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Really?!

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I guess I do kind of
look like Dan Schneider.

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No.

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[ Laughter ]
Okay, you guys.

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This morning, Riley asked
if I wanted any

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hot ergonomics tips.

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Ew!

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Isn't that-
What are you doing?

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What are you doing?
She's so weird.

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Come on, guys.
Riley's... nice.

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Okay, so go
eat lunch with her

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and get some sexy
ergonomics tips.

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Oh, my God.
Jordan, here's your chance.

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She's coming,
she's coming, she's coming.

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?

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Good afternoon.

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Hey, Riley.
What's up?

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Oh. Nothing much. I'm having
a dinner party on Friday.

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College friends, conversation.

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Just a
standard dinner party.

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?

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So, are you
inviting us?

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Oh, right.
Yeah, if you want.

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I mean,
it's just a dinner party.

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Nothing different about it.

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No performing arts of any kind.
Just standard conversation.

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Aaron: What?
[ Laughter ]

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Right.
Actually, you know,

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Jordan was looking for
some Friday night plans.

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Isn't that right, Jordan?
No, I wasn't.

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You don't have to come.

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It's just a dinner party.

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I just wanted to
make that clear

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that I'm having a very standard
dinner party, nothing more.

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?

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[ Laughter ]

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Oh, my God!

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Okay. Come on.
Guys, that was mean.

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Okay, so go to
her dinner party then.

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You know what?
Maybe I will.

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You're such a hero.

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Aaron: Fine. Go.

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Enjoy yourself.

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Bye.
Your funeral.

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Hey, Riley. Um...

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I'm sorry about those guys.
They, uh...

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[ Triumphant music plays ]
You've just had a breakthrough!

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Oh. What's that?
HeadKings.

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It's a combo online talk
therapy/sports-betting app.

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Oh, nice.

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Um, so, I'd love to come
to your dinner party on Friday.

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You would?

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Yeah.
It sounds fun.

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Uh, should I
bring anything or...

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Uh, maybe some waters.

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Oh, okay.

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?

161
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Hey!

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It's, uh- It's me,
Jordan from- from work.

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I'm here for
the dinner party.

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[ Sighs ]
Of course.

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So sorry.
Brain fog.

166
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Please, come in.
Can I take your coat?

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Oh. Uh...
I'm not wearing a coat.

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Oh, right, right.
Of course. Very good.

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Wow!

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Um, so, you said this was going
to be your college friends?

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Yeah.

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Yeah, I told
everyone 7:00.

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They must be running
a little bit late.

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Hey, man, do I have
your consent to engage

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in some deep talk?

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Like heart-to-heart stuff.

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Oh, sure.

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Okay. Great.

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Meet me in the living room.

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?

181
00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:06,321
?

182
00:07:06,488 --> 00:07:10,621
You got to keep this on the DL,
but you're cool, so between us?

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I've got something
cooking tonight.

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What?
I got something cooking tonight.

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But it's gotta stay
between us, okay?

186
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Fight Club rules.
Yeah, sure.

187
00:07:17,422 --> 00:07:19,787
You know how you're not allowed
to host any poetry readings that

188
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aren't officially sanctioned
by the Slammers Union?

189
00:07:21,621 --> 00:07:23,421
No.
The Slammers Union?

190
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The Slammers Union
has an iron fist

191
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on all the poetry readings
in the city, okay?

192
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They run this town.

193
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They're like the Sopranos,
only violent.

194
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But honestly, dude,
they're threatened.

195
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They're threatened by
up-and-coming talent like me.

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And I'm fucking sick of it.
So tonight, we rise up.

197
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We?
Like a big F-you to the Slammers Union.

198
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Our own secret reading.

199
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Okay. Um...

200
00:07:44,254 --> 00:07:46,721
Riley, listen,
I'm not much of a poetry guy.

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Keep your voice down.

202
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The Slammers Union
cannot find out about this,

203
00:07:50,221 --> 00:07:51,271
or else.

204
00:07:51,354 --> 00:07:52,404
Or else what?

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They'll slam us.

206
00:07:54,921 --> 00:07:57,521
Oh, shit! Okay.
Show's in five minutes.

207
00:07:57,522 --> 00:07:58,854
I gotta go in
the greenroom.

208
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Remember,
Fight Club rules.

209
00:08:01,221 --> 00:08:06,154
?

210
00:08:06,354 --> 00:08:11,321
?

211
00:08:11,488 --> 00:08:12,988
[ Sighs ]

212
00:08:13,187 --> 00:08:17,421
?

213
00:08:17,588 --> 00:08:19,154
[ Rock music playing ]

214
00:08:19,321 --> 00:08:21,888
Thank you, thank you!

215
00:08:23,454 --> 00:08:24,554
[ Laughs ]

216
00:08:24,721 --> 00:08:26,621
Who's ready
for some slam poetry?

217
00:08:27,988 --> 00:08:30,755
Slam poetry deserves
to be free and uncaged.

218
00:08:30,921 --> 00:08:32,554
Tonight is our revolution.

219
00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:34,821
Uh, excited to share
a new work.

220
00:08:34,822 --> 00:08:36,887
It's called
"Welcome to My World of Piss."

221
00:08:36,888 --> 00:08:38,587
Why do people lie.
[ Jazz music playing ]

222
00:08:38,588 --> 00:08:39,821
Tell me if you dare to try.

223
00:08:39,822 --> 00:08:41,587
Why can't they
look me in the eye?

224
00:08:41,588 --> 00:08:43,286
Right before they say,
"Bye-bye."

225
00:08:43,287 --> 00:08:45,721
Today, I will journey
my imagination reverie.

226
00:08:45,888 --> 00:08:49,554
Blonde, brunette, redhead,
what shall I be?

227
00:08:49,555 --> 00:08:51,220
Did you know
that I can talk to guns?

228
00:08:51,221 --> 00:08:52,271
[ Laughs ]

229
00:08:52,321 --> 00:08:54,131
Mommy, daddy,
does that sound fun?

230
00:08:54,254 --> 00:08:55,454
[ Clicks tongue ]

231
00:08:55,621 --> 00:08:57,621
Ooh, I've got an idea,
President Bush.

232
00:08:57,788 --> 00:08:59,838
Why don't you rank
all the racist faces?

233
00:08:59,855 --> 00:09:03,554
One black, two white,
three Filipino.

234
00:09:03,721 --> 00:09:05,231
Filipino?
What does he know?

235
00:09:05,354 --> 00:09:07,254
Aren't all Filipinos bad, though?

236
00:09:07,421 --> 00:09:10,554
Turns out they've never met
my friend from work.

237
00:09:10,721 --> 00:09:12,154
He's one of the good Asians.

238
00:09:12,321 --> 00:09:14,921
And that's "Hallelujah,"
written by Susan Boyle.

239
00:09:14,922 --> 00:09:16,954
Makes me feel sad as hell
every time you hear it.

240
00:09:16,955 --> 00:09:18,520
Before the day
that I reach my end.

241
00:09:18,521 --> 00:09:20,688
I hope to meet
that ultimate guy friend.

242
00:09:20,855 --> 00:09:22,788
He doesn't flee
whenever I enter.

243
00:09:22,789 --> 00:09:24,820
We study Sublime tabs
at Guitar Center.

244
00:09:24,821 --> 00:09:26,321
[ Pounding on door ]

245
00:09:27,855 --> 00:09:28,905
What was that?

246
00:09:29,054 --> 00:09:30,254
The door.

247
00:09:30,421 --> 00:09:31,688
Sounded like a slam.

248
00:09:31,689 --> 00:09:33,553
No, I think it was knocking
at the door.

249
00:09:33,554 --> 00:09:35,021
[ Pounding continues ]

250
00:09:35,187 --> 00:09:36,997
Calm down. It's-
You have to kill me!

251
00:09:36,998 --> 00:09:38,353
What the fuck?!
What the fuck?! Please.

252
00:09:38,354 --> 00:09:39,954
Just do it.
I can't do it myself. Please.

253
00:09:39,955 --> 00:09:41,387
Put the gun away.
[ Pounding continues ]

254
00:09:41,388 --> 00:09:43,921
I texted our friends.
They're our co-workers.

255
00:09:44,087 --> 00:09:45,621
They're here.
Go. Stay low.

256
00:09:45,788 --> 00:09:47,454
Riley, be normal!

257
00:09:47,621 --> 00:09:48,855
[ Pounding continues ]

258
00:09:49,021 --> 00:09:50,351
It's our co-workers.
See?

259
00:09:50,421 --> 00:09:51,471
- Hi!
- Hi!

260
00:09:51,588 --> 00:09:53,338
New besties.
Are we interrupting?

261
00:09:53,339 --> 00:09:55,687
[ Laughs ] Sorry. I thought
you were someone else.

262
00:09:55,688 --> 00:09:58,286
Looks like you guys are
having a little poetry night.

263
00:09:58,287 --> 00:09:59,337
You guys having fun?

264
00:09:59,388 --> 00:10:00,788
[ Laughs ] Yeah.

265
00:10:00,789 --> 00:10:02,587
Riley was just trying
out some of her new material.

266
00:10:02,588 --> 00:10:03,921
Jen: That's great.

267
00:10:04,421 --> 00:10:07,021
So, can I see your papers

268
00:10:07,187 --> 00:10:09,955
or talk to your steward, maybe?

269
00:10:10,121 --> 00:10:11,171
What?

270
00:10:11,187 --> 00:10:13,654
Well, you're having
a slam poetry night,

271
00:10:13,821 --> 00:10:15,621
so I assume
you're in the book. Ooh!

272
00:10:15,788 --> 00:10:18,388
And you must have
your union cards on you?

273
00:10:18,988 --> 00:10:22,121
Unless we have a problem
we need to deal with?

274
00:10:22,287 --> 00:10:23,337
Oh, God.

275
00:10:23,421 --> 00:10:25,454
You wouldn't be
trying to pull a...

276
00:10:25,621 --> 00:10:27,187
a rat job, now,
would you?

277
00:10:27,354 --> 00:10:29,287
Sure looks like
a rat job to me.

278
00:10:29,288 --> 00:10:31,220
Riley: No, please.
Guys, come on. Are you...

279
00:10:31,221 --> 00:10:33,120
Please don't slam me.
...fucking around?

280
00:10:33,121 --> 00:10:34,353
Please don't slam me,
I respect the union.

281
00:10:34,354 --> 00:10:37,287
Stay still,
you lowlife scab!

282
00:10:37,454 --> 00:10:38,821
Please don't slam me.

283
00:10:38,988 --> 00:10:42,654
Please! No! Please!
Please don't slam me! Please!

284
00:10:42,821 --> 00:10:44,021
All: Slam!

285
00:10:44,022 --> 00:10:45,086
[ Groans ]

286
00:10:45,087 --> 00:10:46,521
Slam!
[ Screams ]

287
00:10:46,688 --> 00:10:48,154
Slam!

288
00:10:48,155 --> 00:10:49,353
Slam!

289
00:10:49,354 --> 00:10:50,353
Slam!

290
00:10:50,354 --> 00:10:51,220
Slam!

291
00:10:51,221 --> 00:10:52,271
[ Groans ]
Slam!

292
00:10:52,354 --> 00:10:54,588
Run! Run!
Slam!

293
00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:56,488
Slam! Slam!

294
00:10:56,654 --> 00:10:58,621
Slam!
[ Screams ]

295
00:10:58,788 --> 00:10:59,838
Slam!

296
00:10:59,888 --> 00:11:01,087
[ Gasps ]

297
00:11:01,287 --> 00:11:04,354
?

298
00:11:04,521 --> 00:11:06,331
Say you're Hagrid.
I don't know, man.

299
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,186
Look me in the eyes
and say you're Hagrid.

300
00:11:08,187 --> 00:11:09,820
I'll suck your dick
if you say you're Hagrid.

301
00:11:09,821 --> 00:11:11,421
Come on.
Please, please!

302
00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:13,021
Hey, hey!
Please!

303
00:11:13,022 --> 00:11:14,787
I just need you
to say you're Hagrid!

304
00:11:14,788 --> 00:11:16,004
I would rather
hang myself...

305
00:11:16,005 --> 00:11:20,555
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